PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE A CLUE!

Really been hard putting thoughts and feelings on paper.  I use to  in a heart beat, but after Dr. Hubby went over to the other side, I've had a problem with writing...my feelings down.

Will be traveling to Albany, NY soon to see my son and daughter in law.  They are expecting their first child in Nov.,  and we all are very excited.  They've been married almost nine years and both are in their late 30's. This showed me that life does go on without us.  That new memories must be made. Dr Hubby would have loved to see this couple with a child. They are unique to say the least...they will make fabulous parents.  I hope I can do this without him.  He was there for my first grandchild.  He never left me... He was so proud too....

Everyone thinks I'm doing so well.  I try really hard when I'm out and about to go on with life....People do not want to see you down... People do not want to be around a sad person...  People just do not have a clue...They really do not have time to mess with grieving people.  After six months you better be over it....

I love my home where I feel safe and where Dr. Hubby is in every corner and sitting on every chair, and walking the huge yard and watching the sunrises and sunsets with me....This is my haven....  I hope I die here like he did...

Another Saturday is almost over, and Thankfully tomorrow is Church.  Love Sundays with my Church family and friends.... Love Pastor Dan and his wife Paige.  Next to my home, my Church is next on my "feel" good list.

Guess, I'll go and see what is going on ....  Thanks for listening &/or reading if you did.  Next time you met a widow and she is smiling and laughing, remember to look at her eyes and see if the smile goes all the way up.....

My Journey






I keep forgetting about this Blog.  Guess I really have nothing to say.  Just a day by day journey. ....  Try to get out with girlfriends and travel some.  Have several neat trips on the horizon.. A new grandchild in the fall...


I am almost off of my antidepressant.   I cook alot for my friends and have dinners once or twice a month....I work alot in my yard....I crave winter for some reason other than I always loved it...  A fire in the fireplace, a big pot of soup on the stove, my cat curled up on the hearth, and a good book ....


Dr. Hubby crossed over now nine months.  I love him more today than I did yesterday.


I miss intelligent conversation very much.  We discussed everything, and that I miss most of all.    That and his big hands holding mine...


I'll be back.....  just don't know when...

My friends 




One of my friends in high school was named Jack Miller Moore.  He was in love with my best friend Dixie....  They dated off and on for several years but her parents broke them up, as they were afraid he would never amount to anything....


He was a sweet blue eyed blond headed boy.  Everyone loved him, and he was chosen for Mr this and that.  Played football and basketball and baseball.  He and I would get paired off from time to time when we were not dating anyone special.  Had a lot of fun too.  Never forget going with him to see Tom Jones, the movie.  I was so embarrassed but then remembered I was with Jack.   He was like a brother, even tho every time he took me home he would beg for sex.  He never quit.    He always sang "Mrs. Robinson got a lovely daughter.


Well school was over, Dixie had to marry Ronnie a guy she had dated from out of town, and her Dad disowned her.     Everything went to sister, Judy..  Then Dad died..  Jack went into the service.... Viet Nam....  Flew planes.... Was outstanding.... Came home finally and went to law school, and became DA for Bell County.


Jack Married a girl he never really cared about named Gloria.  We all went to school together, and she was younger than us....  I was cheerleader with her... They had three boys and a girl.   I remember her Mother died when she was 12.  She loved Jack very much.


Meanwhile Dixie had her boy, Ronald and Judy her sister, had Stacey....  Judy dies from a overdose in Dallas,  leaving all of the inheritance to Stacy who  was adopted by Dixie and her husband Ronnie...  


Time goes by.  I see Dixie and Jack and Gloria at our 10 year reunion.  Jack just stares at Dixie.    


I had my first husband with me.  I had dated Jack's best friend for awhile, but had broken up with him because my parents would not let me date a Catholic boy back then.....My brother married a Catholic girl, and later became Catholic too.  Of course Daddy had died already....Always wondered what Daddy would have said about that, and then having two grandchildren Catholic.  


Six years ago Ronnie, Dixie's husband dies of a heart attack..  He and Dixie raised their son and Judy's little girl....She was eight months old when Judy died....  .  Beautiful kids...  and five months later Jack dies of a brain tumor.  Scott and White treated him for depression then ... finially they said it was a tumor.


When ever we met for our class reunions....50th coming next year, we go to where Jack was buried and sit around and visit with him.  All of us from my class remember good times.... 
We are very close..  We share alot.   The cemetery is out in a pasture off of the Little River  Bridge Road... A private place where we road horses and spent summers laughing and talking and riding bare back.  The boys were sweet and the girls were innocent and life was going to go on and on...  I hug the guy Daddy made me break up with, and say hi to his wife. He has been battling cancer for a number of years.    I hope he continues to improve.  

You Can Never Go Back!

After Dr Hubby died, my first trip to my Moms was quite hard for me....  He was my side kick/rode shotgun so  to say.

Well, Mom immediately asked me if I was going to move home.  Trying hard to explain to her that I had lived in my little town for 49 years.  My kids grew up there, my Church and friends were there.  Everyone knows my Name thing.....feel on deaf ears..... 

I had lived in her home she and Dad built in the early 60's five years.  I had worked at Scott and White Hospital and could again if I wanted too.... which I smiled to myself.... She thinks I'm still a kid.  At  102 almost.... a 67 daughter is a youngster.    Alot of my friends still lived there she added....  

I looked around the old house and remembered Dad, who died when I was 20 and little brother who just turned 60..... of parties they gave me and sleep overs.... Of old boyfriends who made my heart leap and the smell of leather football jackets they let me wear.  Of good-night kisses on the front porch....and break ups and make ups.....

Dad always fried chicken and made mashed potatoes and gravey and chocolate cupcakes on "home game" nights, and the cheerleaders came home with me, and ate and went to the game from my house located a little way from the School/football field.....I really did not want to be a cheerleader, but Mom wanted me too.....  I remember begging my Senior year .... Please don't let me run.... I want to chill out this year.

Where had that young girl gone?  Friends had died andmany moved to Dallas/Ft. Worth....Austin..  Very few remained  there.....  Young people with dreams and yearnings..... Wars and divorces, babies and jobs...

NO, I could not come back here...  My grandson lives just 70 miles from me and I enjoy him so much and daughter depends on me from time to time.... No, I could not come back ........

As I was leaving to head back home, my Mom asked, "are you going to rent one or both of those empty bedrooms"?  No I replied, I enjoy being alone ..... WELL SHE SAID, " I'D BE SCARED SOMEONE WAS HIDING IN THEM.."       ..... Thanks Mom, 

She refuses to move in with me..... She has her 42 Club that meets on Tuesdays at her house.....She has her friends, and her Church and my Brother 10 miles away when he's home.....and her memories in that big ol house....my cousins close by.....

     

I can do this.......

That is what I say when I'm feeling good, or meds have kicked in .........There is something to be said about meds.....  I'm no longer taking the strong stuff and I have graduated to a little pill twice a day....

Almost nine months now alone and living in a big house full of wonderful memories and a big 10 year old white cat, named Phoebe Grace......

Get calls to date or go out and mingle, but do not want to, and may never want to with the opposite sex.  Men make me nervous after loving someone like Dr. Hubby.  I'm afraid of them and how they will make me feel, so I chose to roam with the girls.  Will this change in years to come?  To be honest I hope not.  I think a man would only complicate my life.

Dr. Hubby and I met when we both were at the lowest in our entire life.  After we fell in Lust with each other, then Love like we'd never known, my life was complete, perfect and everything I had ever dreamed it could be.

He was gorgeous, and kind and so full of wisdom..... His character was flawless.

Is this how everyone is to live that love, then lose their special some one?  Are we just here to go thru the motions day after day after burying our love..?

Well, it has come to my attention that men get on with love lives much, much quicker than women.  How about 3-5 years sooner?  I have friends that have died and their husbands were married much less dating three months after the funeral.  As a woman, I find that sad.  Of course WE do know where the catsup is, and how to wash socks and underwear...... hee hee  I know, I know most men do tooo...

Being alone is not as bad as I dreaded....  Perhaps, I am a loner at heart. I enjoy reading and being on the  computer and traveling and yes, even eating out alone...  and I do like myself quite a lot....

I miss Dr. Hubby more today perhaps than at the beginning of this journey, but yes,  I really think I Can Do This....I think I have gone on with my life.... Perhaps in a different way then some....But yes, I have gone on...

What took you so long?

On June 2nd Dr. Hubby went to the country club like he has done practically every day for 50 years.  The past few months, he has not been able to play golf due to the Parkinsons, but loved driving out there and checking his golf cart tires.

He said the last thing he remembered was raising up from checking the tires and falling backwards.

I found him an hour later when I went to look for him.  He did'nt come home when I thot he should, and I was so fearful.

I found him on the golf shed floor.  Apparently he got on his cart and drove it into the shed.  He had a granmal seizure from a head injury and two mild heart attacks. 

We were in the hospital for seven days, and went home for six.  Rushed back to the hospital with conjestive heart failure.  Another stint in the hospital then back home for three days.  To the hospital again, this time with two mild strokes. 

We have been home now a month.  He has sitters at night, as he was very aggitated at night, and tries to get up constantly.  He cannot stand nor walk, as the parkinsons has taken it toll.  His brain does not tell his legs however that he cannot stand nor walk.  Parkinsons is an evil disease with no cure.  His muscles are going very fast, and soon he will not be able to swollow. 

I sit all day from 6:30am until 8:00pm, and I am trying with all my heart to make each day a good day for him.  He gets so tired of the bed, and when he is himself, he begs to die, and pleads to let him get up or says he cannot live like this anymore.  He has dimentia also, and forgets from time to time where he is.  Since he is in a hospital bed he somemtimes thinks he is back in the hospital.

I am not feeling sorry for myself, but thankful I have known a man that loves me uncontionally.  No one in my life has ever loved me like this man does, and each year we have had together is a blessing to me.  Twenty four years of knowing him and loving him, and almost twenty married to this kind gentle man that I call Dr. Hubby.

When I found him and four men helped me lift him out of the cart shed, and got him up to the club house, paramedics began working on him,  he turned to me and asked "what took you so long".... He knew I'd come looking for him.  

Happy Memorial Day Weekend

Enjoying this beautiful weekend here in NE Texas.  Dr. Hubby has had a very difficult week.  Had a tooth extracted by oral surgeon on Monday.  Then Thursday and Friday he fell hard when bp dipped very low.  Changed his meds, and so far so good today.  Daughter and Mr., and little A will be here shortly to eat and visit.  This has made us both happy.

Remembering My Uncle Karl Roasa, who died in action during WW1.  He died in France, and then his little brother, the baby went to France in WW2, (MY DAD) and my Grandmother died before Dad made it back.  They say, she grieved thinking of of her eldest and youngest dying in France.

I have no idea what she went thru nor my uncle nor my precious Dad who passed away with lung cancer in l965.  Being on a foreign land during war time has to be awful.  Thank them both for serving.  One who did'nt make it back, and one who did.........